“Jesus is the Reason for the Season!” Sometimes, though, we get tied up in the stress of the season, so I offer you a little Christmas gift… a lighter side… poking a little fun at ourselves. Hope you enjoy it!
Have you ever been to the mall, finished a day of shopping all exhausted and tired – then made your way out to the car to find it isn’t there? You try calling your husband and kids, but no one picks up the phone, so you call the police to report your car stolen (and of course you can’t figure out who would want to steal your old car – a 2004 Mercury Marquis – when there are so many newer nicer cars in the parking lot). About 30 minutes go by… and then the police advise you they have located your stolen car (thank goodness)! But then the officer scratches his head and says that the people in your car swear they are your family!!!! It is then that it dawns on you… YOUR FAMILY DROPPED YOU OFF AT THE MALL!
Nope – it never happened to me either – but I just know it had to have happened to someone out there!
Well, with all of the holiday stress upon us, and the “hustle and bustle” of the season – I thought I might try to lighten your load a bit and bring a smile to your face by sharing a few crazy holiday traditions and contemplations.
Sit down, take off your shoes and get cozy in front of the fire…. Take a load off – My goodness, you need a break!
- Now, I ask you, in what other culture do we take children to sit on a strange man’s lap (AKA Santa) who happens to be dressed in red, so we can get a holiday picture of our kids freaking out?
And what about Black Friday shopping? Have you seen the video footage on the news? Whoever thought it was a good idea to let lunatic women with huge handbags through the doors of a store at oh-so-dark-o’clock in the morning? Obviously, whoever thought of it must have been insane! After putting up with cooking endlessly for a crowd of people, putting up with comments like “Is there more gravy? The turkey is a little dry”, it is no wonder there are injuries and deaths as these women try to push their way, 16-women-wide, into department stores doors made for a max of 4 people. They need a healthier way to get rid of that pent up Thanksgiving cooking stress!!
- And what about having to practically take out a second mortgage just to buy your kids some gifts from “Santa”? I mean, really, I will be the first to admit we went “overboard” a couple of years when the kids were younger… but I mean – is that really what the true meaning of Christmas is?
- And what about that kiss under the mistletoe? Where is a good sprig of mistletoe when we need it?????
- And egg nog… what is that really? Anything that looks like an old vanilla milkshake that has been sitting out on the counter for 5 days and needs alcohol to make it drinkable was probably questionable from the start! But with enough rum or brandy, no one really cares if it tasted questionable to start with, right?
- And why do we not let Santa leave coal (or as some of us say, rocks and sand) in their stockings if the kids were behaving badly in the time leading up to Christmas? Who knows, had we followed through, there might be such a thing as honest, kind adults who become politicians!
- And what about all the candy, nuts, cookies and pastries that are brought as “gifts” by vendors and salespeople into the office? I mean, I am not complaining – other than the fact – DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED TO GAIN 10 POUNDS over the holidays? (And, yes, again yet another reason I am delighted I work from home.)
- And, I ask you, HOW many different TV movie versions can they possibly make of “All I Want for Christmas?” I mean, I like to watch a handful of Christmas movies in the few weeks leading up to Christmas, but, I kid you not, my husband, Michial, has taped no less than 30 Christmas movies in the past two weeks alone! By the time Christmas Eve gets here, I will have watched enough movies to last me through the next Christmas!
- Then the inevitable Christmas party attire. I would ask my best co-workers and girlfriends what they are going to wear to the party, and they would say “festive but not real dressy.” Well, it was easy for them to say. They were mostly petite, attractive women. And I would think to myself later, “Well, I am going to have to wear whatever FITS!!!” Being a larger gal – sure enough – two years in a row – I picked out lavender, purple colored outfits. Nice outfits, but definitely not the usual green and red cute little sweater with reindeers skipping across the front. Now, what I COULD fit into were the colorful dangly Christmas-tree earrings – you know one-size fits all!! (And I have never asked another woman, or Michial for that matter, “Hey, do these Christmas-tree earrings make my butt look fat?”)
- And then we have the “ugly sweater” party. Those oh so cute babes in those “ugly” sweaters… you know the 5’ 5 inch tall, long blonde hair, 110 pound princess, wearing a beautiful sweater and a cute red Santa hat! I mean, it’s not like I wouldn’t like a pretty Christmas sweater, it’s just I can’t usually find one that FITS me. Oh how very Merry Christmasie… I think I will go spike the holiday punch now and serve myself a few glasses. (No offense, but if the elves stuffed her full of holiday candies and cookies, I think I would enjoy it … even more so after some more spiked holiday punch – lol!)
And there is this amusing list I recently came across called “Why Women Would Love to Be Santa Clause”
- You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
- There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
- You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
- Buy one big black belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
- There’s be no reason to have your colors done.
- Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren’t.
- Should people suggest your belly jiggled… when you laughed… like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
- You’d always work in sensible footwear.
- There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who’s boss.
- You wouldn’t need to buy an expensive briefcase.
- No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
- You’d never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
- No more trips to the vending machine… you’d just snack on milk and cookies all day (FOR FREE!)
- You’d never be asked to take an early retirement package.
- Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
- You’d be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
- Age discrimination wouldn’t be an issue.
- You’d never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
- No one would ask you to see your job description.
I found this gem at the “Coolest Holiday Parties” website: www.coolest-holiday-parties.com/funny-christmas-stories.
Life is too short… enjoy the special moments at the holidays. Watching the kids and grandkids opening presents around the Christmas tree, counting all of our blessings, a special meal with your family….. reflect that the Savior was born for you and I, and remember – Jesus is the Reason for the Season!