Hi Friends – Welcome to our first Coffee with Clare! I am delighted that you are here today! First question –
I am a 22-year old full-time college student who works, and I live with my recently divorced mom, Janet. My Dad burned my mom, ran off with a young thing and divorced my mom two years ago. My mom works, has a nice circle of friends and is quite active. She is 48 years old, attractive and very lonely. A few months ago, she started dating “Sam”… who, frankly, I can’t stand! Sam is a “loser” from the get go. He can’t seem to hold down a job, drinks excessively and just hangs around the house eating our food and expecting my mom to wait on him hand and foot (which she seems to do). He really is quite unfriendly and doesn’t have any kind of personality. If that wasn’t enough, he is sloppy looking and quite unattractive. My mom is blind to how Sam really is – I’m afraid he is using her. Now, last week, my mom sat me down and said that Sam will be moving in with us! Help, I haven’t even had a chance to digest all this yet! What can a girl do?
Your mom is probably having some self-worth and self-esteem issues, and finally someone is paying a little more attention to her. I would suggest you schedule some one-on-one time with your Mom outside of your home where you can talk freely over coffee or tea. Tell her your concerns, why you feel the way you do, without sounding too critical of Sam. If she still keeps her ground, I would try to talk to another close family member (maybe an aunt, or grandmother), or even one of your Mom’s best friends. If they agree with your thoughts about Sam, I would ask them if they can have a heart-to-heart with your mom.
If none of the above is well-received, it may just take a while before she sees the light, but hopefully she will. In the meantime, you may have to just do the best you can with the situation until it changes (i.e. she breaks up with him, Sam leaves, or she kicks him out if he moves in). Your mom sounds like a reasonable and bright lady. Hopefully, she will realize sooner rather than later that she doesn’t need Sam in her life, and she can do much, much better.
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Until next time~