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Coffee With Clare

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Hi and welcome back to Coffee with Clare everything Thursday!  

Dear Clare:

My problem is – I am a woman in my 40’s who has been best friends with Janice since we were in the Third Grade.  We live about 8 hours from each other but still have remained close – through marriage, divorce, raising our children, the death of our parents, and many, many other life’s challenges and crises.  Janice and I get together and spend time together at least once or twice a year.  Sometimes we go to each other’s house or sometimes we will rent a vacation place, and it is such fun girl time! Janice is like a sister to me, and I cherish her in my life.

This last time we got together, two months ago, at the end of our vacation, we got into a knock down drag out fight – over nothing – but it was “ugly”.  We ended up having one or two long distance phone conversations after that trip – and it got worse over the phone – screaming and yelling which we have never done before.  What matters – isn’t what the argument was about – what matters is – how do we get past this?  I have been distressed and cried like a baby last time we spoke on the phone.  What can I do?  Is our relationship over?  I cherish our friendship like gold, and I can’t imagine my life without Janice in it.  What can I do?

Signed – Distressed in Denver

 

two Caucasian women arguing and distrusting each other

 

Dear Distressed:

Well, unfortunately, I just went through something similar in my own life.  One of my dearest lifelong friends and I got into a terrible argument, and I was also afraid it was unresolvable.  But, over time – a few months later – we texted each other and said we wanted to make up and talk.  I told Sally, my friend, that I wanted to get past this – but I needed a few more weeks to breathe – as we each said some things of course we shouldn’t have said.  Neither of us could take back the hurtful words, and we hurt each other’s feelings.  Finally, several weeks later when I wasn’t angry anymore, we had a heart to heart, and I just said, “I forgive you – we both were wrong – but we must agree to disagree in order for us to move on.”  We both agreed not to bring up the hurtful subject again.  So that’s what we did; we agreed to move on, and I told Sally truly I could not – did not – want to live my life without her in it, and I cherish our friendship so much.  So, we have repaired our relationship.  Do I forget all the mean things she said that hurt me?  No, I have not, but I have forgiven her.  It takes two to tango, and I was wrong, too, and said some awful things.

So, what I am sharing is, if you want to move on and repair this relationship – take the first step and e-mail or text your friend, and tell her how much you want to talk and reconcile.  Tell her all the positive things about your friendship, such as “we are so close like sisters, you are always there for me”,  and see if she wants to talk.  And, it might be that she also needs a few more weeks – maybe even months – but at least you are trying to restore the relationship.

Readers – Any suggestions that might help “Distressed in Denver”? 

I hope this helps, and I hope you can get past your differences and repair your friendship!  There is nothing quite like a lifelong friend!

Thank you for stopping in today!  I invite you to email your questions, problems and “life challenges” directly to me at: lifeainteasystreet@gmail.com   I would love to hear from you!

~Clare

 

Author
Clare is a 57-year-old fun loving Italian-American self-proclaimed “Jersey Girl” who believes, “Life ain’t easy street. Life is one of those crazy little city streets, complete with potholes that could swallow your car.” With one foot planted in fun and the other planted firmly in her Christian faith, Clare enjoys making people laugh while helping them navigate life’s “crazy little city streets”. Clare has raised two girls (now grown young adults) with her husband, Michial, Clare is ready to take on the challenges of making new friends through her blog, Life Ain’t Easy Street. With an aim to entertain while addressing topics important to women, Clare’s focus on the positive power of good stories, good friends, inspiring women, and strong faith will have you looking forward to reading the next post. Clare is a freelance writer who lives a real life in Jacksonville Beach, Florida.

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30 Comments

  • Danielle Des says:

    I’m going through something similar, and I think I haven’t moved on because I felt like my best friend blew me off when I tried to confront her. I feel like she’s changed so much too. I want to get past this, but it’s been hard

    • Clare says:

      I think these situations are so, so difficult, Danielle – you are certainly not alone…. and if both of you don’t want to make up and reconcile… well, that’s a truly difficult situation for sure. Thanks for sharing.

  • Karen says:

    I agree there is nothing like a life long friend. If it is important to your reader, then she needs to let go of your pride, oh so hard to do, and take that first step. Keep remembering is your pride worth more than your lifelong friendship. I think not. I would text or email her and not call to let her know that you want to take the first step and talk and that you are sorry you hurt her feelings. Best wishes.

    • Clare says:

      Really such a good point, Karen… our pride gets in the way of lots of big things… like lifelong friendships for sure! Yes, someone has to take the first step for sure! Thanks for your help!

  • Mary Hill says:

    We have to forgive right away and not let our disagreements harm our friendship. I think a friendship pact would be good. Agree to love, forgive and forget. Agree to let each other being human with our problems and bad traits. Let love win out.

    • Clare says:

      Right, forgiveness – although can be so challenging – is key. I love the idea of a friendship pact – thanks for that – this is a great thought for Distressed in Denver! And all of us!

  • I completely agree! One fight should not be the end of a very solid friendship that is so important to your reader! Great advice!

    • Clare says:

      Yes, for sure, Kelly. Lifelong friendships – true and real friendships – are very few and far between…. Thanks! 🙂

  • Susan says:

    Fighting with your best friend is the worst. It is necessary for you to talk it out without judgement. Take some time and write out your feelings then look it over. Take out anything that sounds like you are judging her for who she is. Rewrite it and then send it to her in email, text, or through the mail.

    Let her know this is hurting you and you want to move forward.

    • Clare says:

      I have heard and read about “writing a letter” to get our feelings out…. but not sending it. I think that is a wonderful idea to let the feelings flow and hopefully keep anyone from saying even more hurtful things…. and it’s important to let her friend know she wants to get past this, to move forward.

  • Paola says:

    I totally understand what Distressed is feeling, I have had friendships that have gone through that and sometimes We both just needed a bit of time away from speaking to each other, and when we started missing each other the fight kind of disappeared.

    • Clare says:

      Yes, sometimes silence for a bit can be the best solution until everyone catches their breath. Yes, lifelong friends will certainly over time miss each other and hopefully she will make the first move towards reconciliation! Thanks!

  • Alonda says:

    Forgiveness is key! So is an apology! It sounds like both of you are hurting and the best way to restore hurt starts with forgiveness. Reach out to your friend. Share your heart, apologize, and choose to forgive!

    It sounds like this friendship is worth it (:

    • Clare says:

      Yes, everything with broken relationships usually start with forgiveness! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Alonda! That is so key! Yes, it truly sounds like this friendship is worth restoration!

  • First of all, this is a great idea for a blog, love it!
    And second, honestly, I resolve my problems with punches, I know, it’s something over dramatic and immature, but I believe that in that way you release all the tension or maybe scream at each other about how those words hurt their feelings. But I don’t know, you are the expert 🙂

  • Clare says:

    Thanks Daniela! So glad you like Coffee with Clare! I’m not an “expert”… just someone who has lived a lot of years… through lots of life’s ups and downs! 🙂 You have brought an interesting perspective to this challenge! Thanks for sharing!

  • Marie says:

    So happy I cm across your blog. This is really amazing blog, officially following.

  • I hope she reaches out if she misses her friend! Her friend might be having the same worries!

  • Sheila says:

    We say it s the one fight, but many times it is what is leading up to the fight and happens to be one more thing which strikes the final nerve. My best friend has been my best friend since she was 4 and I was 3. We went all through school together and are going all through life together whether we lived close or away. Both of us found when we didn’t say what was really bothering us at the time things would fester and unfortunately a fight. What we resolved to do after an argument was to write an apology letter to each other no matter whose fault we felt it was like. There is true healing in the power of words and these letters have become treasure to both of us. It gave each of us an opportunity to tell each other what we truly loved about one another and share our thoughts and feelings in a way that was non-intimidating. We are now 54 and 53 and our friendship is a special gift. Time is precious…and time can be an enemy. It costs nothing to say I’m sorry, but it is priceless for a friendship. I love your blog Clare 🙂

    • Clare says:

      Wow, wow! That is truly powerful Sheila! And I love the idea of writing letters – there is so much power in the written word! I am so delighted that you two are still dear friends and I agree…. most of the time it’s all those “little” or “big” nagging things that lead up to the fight… and then someone “explodes”…. and says hurtful things…. part of human nature. Love this!

  • I agree there is nothing like a lifelong friend! Making that initial step can be difficult but it’s what keeps your friendship going. There will always be differences and disagreements in relationship it’s how we deal with them that matters.

    • Clare says:

      Yes, someone has to make that first step and I agree wholeheartedly …. there is nothing like a lifelong friend! Yes, yes, it is how we deal with our challenges and disagreements that really is key! Thanks for your thoughtful advice! We appreciate it!

    • Clare says:

      Thanks so so much Caitlin (my youngest daughter’s name is Caitlin) 🙂 🙂 and Dani! I hope you stop by again soon!

  • GiGi Eats says:

    I just repaired my relationship with my brother 2 hours ago. And to be honest, I feel amazing about it right now. Our call was brutal but by the end we were both laughing!

    • Clare says:

      So, so delighted you and your brother made up Gigi! It can be brutal in the process but so so glad you were having fun and laughing at the end! Great news!

  • Becki S says:

    Glad to know that I’m not alone. I had this happen a couple of times, oddly around the time I was planning for my wedding. My mom kept reminding me weddings can bring out the worst in people especially mid-20 year olds. Thanks for sharing your advice!

    • Clare says:

      Oh goodness, Becki – so, so sorry you had to go through that while planning a wedding! Yes, weddings can indeed be very, very stressful that’s for sure! I hope it all worked out for you – thanks for stopping by.

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