Hi and welcome back to Coffee with Clare everything Thursday!
My problem is – I am a woman in my 40’s who has been best friends with Janice since we were in the Third Grade. We live about 8 hours from each other but still have remained close – through marriage, divorce, raising our children, the death of our parents, and many, many other life’s challenges and crises. Janice and I get together and spend time together at least once or twice a year. Sometimes we go to each other’s house or sometimes we will rent a vacation place, and it is such fun girl time! Janice is like a sister to me, and I cherish her in my life.
This last time we got together, two months ago, at the end of our vacation, we got into a knock down drag out fight – over nothing – but it was “ugly”. We ended up having one or two long distance phone conversations after that trip – and it got worse over the phone – screaming and yelling which we have never done before. What matters – isn’t what the argument was about – what matters is – how do we get past this? I have been distressed and cried like a baby last time we spoke on the phone. What can I do? Is our relationship over? I cherish our friendship like gold, and I can’t imagine my life without Janice in it. What can I do?
Signed – Distressed in Denver
Well, unfortunately, I just went through something similar in my own life. One of my dearest lifelong friends and I got into a terrible argument, and I was also afraid it was unresolvable. But, over time – a few months later – we texted each other and said we wanted to make up and talk. I told Sally, my friend, that I wanted to get past this – but I needed a few more weeks to breathe – as we each said some things of course we shouldn’t have said. Neither of us could take back the hurtful words, and we hurt each other’s feelings. Finally, several weeks later when I wasn’t angry anymore, we had a heart to heart, and I just said, “I forgive you – we both were wrong – but we must agree to disagree in order for us to move on.” We both agreed not to bring up the hurtful subject again. So that’s what we did; we agreed to move on, and I told Sally truly I could not – did not – want to live my life without her in it, and I cherish our friendship so much. So, we have repaired our relationship. Do I forget all the mean things she said that hurt me? No, I have not, but I have forgiven her. It takes two to tango, and I was wrong, too, and said some awful things.
So, what I am sharing is, if you want to move on and repair this relationship – take the first step and e-mail or text your friend, and tell her how much you want to talk and reconcile. Tell her all the positive things about your friendship, such as “we are so close like sisters, you are always there for me”, and see if she wants to talk. And, it might be that she also needs a few more weeks – maybe even months – but at least you are trying to restore the relationship.
Readers – Any suggestions that might help “Distressed in Denver”?
I hope this helps, and I hope you can get past your differences and repair your friendship! There is nothing quite like a lifelong friend!
Thank you for stopping in today! I invite you to email your questions, problems and “life challenges” directly to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org I would love to hear from you!