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Hi and welcome back to Coffee with Clare every Thursday!   

Dear Clare:

I am a 32-year old woman who is in a serious relationship with Ron.  We’ve been together for 6 years now and have been living together for 4 years.  My situation – I am ready to get married, but apparently Ron isn’t ready for that commitment.  Ron was married briefly very young, and let’s just say it ended badly.  I, on the other hand, love Ron and want to spend the rest of my life with him – that is, get married and start a family. 

I have had heart to heart talks with Ron, telling him I am concerned that my biological clock is ticking.  Ron has answered stating he likes things the way they are and is not sure if he is ready for that kind of commitment.  What should I do?  I don’t know whether I should devote more time to this relationship or cut my losses, and break it off now.  I truly love him which makes this decision even more difficult. Please help!

Signed –

Should I Stay or Should I Go 

Portrait of unhappy adult couple having problems

Dear Should I Stay or Should I Go:

Sit down with Ron, away from your home, and make sure he knows you are serious this time. Tell him how you feel, but don’t whine; just point out you want to move forward with getting married and starting a family. If he is simply not ready, or never plans to marry you, I am sure that you would rather know this sooner rather than later.  So, you must ask yourself, should I risk possibly spending another year (or three years, or many more) sitting around waiting for him? 

It really comes down to how important is being married and having children to you.  Only you can determine that.  Once you pin him down without smothering him, draw a line in the sand and give yourself a “time period” to see if he changes his mind. I would suggest you keep this “deadline” to yourself and stick to it.  If it is six months, or a year’s time and you don’t see any changes, or he is still firm on not getting married or starting a family, it is probably time to move on – as hard as this may be.

Beautiful blue sky background with clouds and sun

Readers – any suggestions for “Fretting in Phoenix”?

Thank you for stopping in today!  I invite you to email your questions, problems and “life challenges” directly to me at: lifeaninteasystreet@gmail.com.  I would love to hear from you and all inquiries do remain anonymous! 

Until next time~

~Clare

 

Author
Clare is a 57-year-old fun loving Italian-American self-proclaimed “Jersey Girl” who believes, “Life ain’t easy street. Life is one of those crazy little city streets, complete with potholes that could swallow your car.” With one foot planted in fun and the other planted firmly in her Christian faith, Clare enjoys making people laugh while helping them navigate life’s “crazy little city streets”. Clare has raised two girls (now grown young adults) with her husband, Michial, Clare is ready to take on the challenges of making new friends through her blog, Life Ain’t Easy Street. With an aim to entertain while addressing topics important to women, Clare’s focus on the positive power of good stories, good friends, inspiring women, and strong faith will have you looking forward to reading the next post. Clare is a freelance writer who lives a real life in Jacksonville Beach, Florida.

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25 Comments

  • I totally agree with the advice you gave.. a lot of women forget that if where you want to go isn’t in the same direction as your partner then that relationship cannot work. Love is always used as a crutch, but really it’s better for you to have a sound mind and a happy heart, knowing that you are doing right by yourself and where you are going in your life.

  • Karen says:

    Very good advice, Clare. Life is short, and not one moment should be wasted. You should never let another person keep you from living the life you want. Nobody wants to spend the later years of their life regretting the things they did not do!

    • Clare says:

      Thanks, Karen… so true “should I stay or should I go” can only determine that for herself. Great thoughts and we appreciate them!

  • That is a rock in a hard place. my guy is divorced and every step of the way I’ve seen some sort of emotional damage from it. You have to work together to meet each others needs of security and love. Great advice Clare.

    • Clare says:

      Yes, so true Dia. Relationships and former relationships are complicated with lots of tricky emotional components. “Working together” is the key to making a relationship work – so “Should I stay or go” may have to make some tough choices! Thanks!

  • Klauss says:

    I hope the author of the letter will be able to agree with Ron 🙂

  • lainie says:

    My thoughts are time for talking is past. Fretting in Phoenix in my opinion is wasting her time. If a man does not propose to you of his own accord especially after you explained to him how you feel, read the writing on the wall. You have already given six years of your life!

    • Clare says:

      Yes, lots of truth here, Lainie. It may be that she must move on and walk away…. decisions, decisions, so difficult and we appreciate your sharing! Yes, this young lady has already given a lot of time to this relationship so it’s a tough choice!

  • candy says:

    Honesty and being up front is the best. If he can’t get on board guess it is time to move on.

    • Clare says:

      Yes, being honest and truthful is the only way to have a great relationship… with lots of work. I agree that if he can’t get on board, “Should I stay or go” has a big decision to make! Thanks for sharing!

  • Break up with him NOW. Move out. Seek Christ first and then the right man will find you. You want to marry someone that you had to give an ultimatum in order to propose?? Think about where this relationship will be when he doesn’t want to give up something else. He’s proven that this relationship is not more important than his selfishness. You do NOT want to marry someone like that.

    Now, in person with someone I know, I would be more gentle, but this is already two people in a relationship living in sin. God CAN redeem anything, but maybe this is her chance to get out. No one who loves you and wants a life with you has to be convinced to do so.

    • Clare says:

      Very interesting perspective and I agree that getting into a marriage where you have to give an “ultimatum” could very well be troublesome! I agree to seek Christ first…especially in something as important as this! Thanks Jennifer for speaking from your heart! This is a big decision for her!

  • Laura says:

    I think you gave some really good advice here. It’s important not to pressure him, but you need to be aware of your own needs here. It’s not fair to you to never have children if you want them. It’s also not fair to push children on him if he doesn’t want them.

    • Clare says:

      Yes, this young lady needs to be honest with herself and what she actually wants. And are they going in the same direction? If not, marriage is difficult enough but going into it when two people don’t want the same things can lead to crisis! And thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  • Angie says:

    It can be very hard to line up two different paths like this, but it’s important if you’re going to have a future together that you are able to do it. I’ve had plenty of experiences dating men who “weren’t ready” (and most likely never would be) to take a step into commitment. I’ve even dated a few that said they never wanted to get married or have more kids (they too had experienced bad breakups and custody battles prior to dating me) and it just didn’t work out. You can’t lie to yourself. If your heart is ready for commitment, and ready to take a step towards starting a family, trying to ignore your desires so you can stay with someone you love will only poison the relationship and that love you share.

    I agree that you should sit down and map out a course, explain how you’re feeling and while I wouldn’t give him a deadline and pressure him, I’d definitely set one for yourself as Claire said. The hard part is that your biological clock ticks for a reason-a woman is only fertile for so long-and if you have give it too long with him and then have to start over with dating and getting to that point with someone else eventually, it’s going to just get harder.

    I think you should clarify with him whether it’s a for now, or a forever state of not being ready. Find out if he wants to marry you eventually and if he wants to have kids with you down the line. If he does, you can give it more time, if he’s still unsure about that after 6 years (which is quite a long time) then maybe it speaks volumes about how he really feels about you and your relationship…

    • Clare says:

      Thanks for such specific thoughts and detail! This should prove very very helpful for this young lady! And true, she can’t lie to herself and what she wants for her future. I think it’s crucial too for “Should I stay or go” to set a “deadline” for herself…. and these are such hard choices but will need to be made! We appreciate your thoughts and comments!

  • WillG says:

    Great advice! I like that you want to map things out and discuss thoroughly. <3

    • Clare says:

      Being honest, thoughtful and straightforward (while discussing) is so crucial. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Will! Appreciate your stopping by!

  • That’s some great advice you gave. It’s a painful situation that she’s in, and it requires lots of wisdom to navigate.

    • Clare says:

      Thanks Samantha. She is in a painful situation and it does require lots of wisdom…. hopefully this will work out for her and “Should I stay” may have to make some tough choices in the upcoming days ahead.

  • Fait says:

    I agree with what you suggested to her. As hard as it is, you cannot stay with someone who isn’t willing to covenant their life with you.

    • Clare says:

      I just love your term “covenant” because that’s what a marriage is! We appreciate your thoughts and comments! 🙂

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