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Hi and welcome back to Coffee with Clare every Thursday!   

Dear Clare:

I am a very concerned and worried mother.  My daughter, Cassandra, who is 26 years old, just got engaged to a man, Joel, who is 47 years old.  Joel has 2 teenage boys (ages 13 and 15) who he gets every other weekend.  Joel seems like a nice enough guy, is gainfully employed, and owns his own home, but Joel has indicated he does not want any more children.  I am quite concerned because when Cassandra was younger, she had always said she wanted children of her own and a family.  I am worried not only because of the age difference, but because I am afraid Cassandra will wake up one day 10 years from now and decides she really does want children!  I know I can’t interfere, and I am trying to be supportive, but this is my only daughter, and I am deeply concerned.

Signed – Wish I Felt Different in Daytona

Elderly Woman having a headache. Stress and depression.

Dear Daytona:

I can understand your concerns.  You did not mention how long she has been dating Joel and if they really know each other well.  The good news is Joel sounds stable with a good job and knows what he wants.  And, statistics show that usually older men in a relationship are oftentimes stable and mature, which should be of great benefit to their marriage.  The question you may want to ask Cassandra (of course when you have time alone) is has she thought long and hard about the “never having children” situation.  I mean you may want to sit down and discuss this with her without sounding like you are judging her and drilling her …. Just a heart to heart mother-daughter talk.  (Sometimes young women have the thought that they can change a man … but it seldom works out that way.)

Either way, no matter what her answer, I would encourage Cassandra – for her and Joel – to have pre-marriage counseling with a pastor or a good professional to help them work through her taking on two teenage stepsons, their age difference, and the fact that they are not planning to have children.   Hopefully this will help them through.

It sounds like you have Cassandra’s best interests at heart, and the most important thing is you want her to be happy now, and in 10 years.  (And there is nothing that says she won’t be happy!) So, if Cassandra and Joel have tried to get their ducks in a row prior to getting married, it may be that you will have to embrace her decision and be supportive. Otherwise, it could put a hedge between your mother-daughter relationship, despite the fact you are only concerned about her best interests. I wish you the best, and I wish Cassandra much happiness now and in the future.

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Readers – any suggestions for “Wish I felt different in Daytona”.   

Thank you for stopping in today!  I invite you to email your questions, problems and “life challenges” directly to me at lifeainteasystreet@gmail.com   I would love to hear from you and all inquiries do remain anonymous! 

Until next time~

~Clare

Author
Clare is a 57-year-old fun loving Italian-American self-proclaimed “Jersey Girl” who believes, “Life ain’t easy street. Life is one of those crazy little city streets, complete with potholes that could swallow your car.” With one foot planted in fun and the other planted firmly in her Christian faith, Clare enjoys making people laugh while helping them navigate life’s “crazy little city streets”. Clare has raised two girls (now grown young adults) with her husband, Michial, Clare is ready to take on the challenges of making new friends through her blog, Life Ain’t Easy Street. With an aim to entertain while addressing topics important to women, Clare’s focus on the positive power of good stories, good friends, inspiring women, and strong faith will have you looking forward to reading the next post. Clare is a freelance writer who lives a real life in Jacksonville Beach, Florida.

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10 Comments

  • Hi, I thought this was really great, and you could really feel the emotions that arise with this letter of concern. I’m in my late 20’s and I’m a mom and a wife. I got married when I was in my early 20’s, and even though my husband and I are a few months apart, my opinion doesn’t change. I feel that age is just a number and you can’t really judge someone by the age that they are at. I can understand mothers worrying about their children, but what we as mothers have to ask these questions: what type of person are they marrying? Are they happy with this person? Can this person support the both of them if need be? Does this person treat her/him right? I would suggest talking to your daughter and asking her these questions. Maybe even having a dinner where you invite her and her significant other over, with the children and just talk to them. Get to know the type of person she likes and go from there. We can’t protect our children no matter how much we try, and we have to let them live their own lives and make their own mistakes. That is how we are going to learn. Now I’m taking this from a younger generation perspective so feel free to correct me in anyway, but I feel that sometimes we try to control our children and as much as we love them we have to let them live. Also, something my mother and I used to do and still do is write letters to each other. When we were upset or I felt she wasn’t hearing me out or wasn’t understanding me, I wrote her a letter and left it in my room on my dresser. Since she always went in my room to put clothes away, I knew she would read it and we would talk about it later. That’s just an idea to get you two to understand each other’s perspectives and thoughts. Hope you have a great day and again…Great post 🙂

    • Clare says:

      Marvina, such a heartfelt and honest response! I really appreciate it and I know this mother appreciates your candor too! So true – there is so much more to a person or “mate” than age…. are they loving, devoted, honest, caring, and so much more! And I love the touch about writing a letter…. letting her daughter read it and think about it and they can talk later! Thanks so much!

  • monique says:

    Sounds like a tough predicament to be in. I would say you gave the right advice by telling her to speak to her daughter alone, because at the end of the day thats really all you can do. As long as the daughter is happy with the choices she makes then you have to support her. Maybe she no longer wants children of her own and feels fullfilled being a step mom. One can only pray she makes the right decision.

    • Clare says:

      Yes, Monique – thanks for sharing. I think the mom needs to have an open and honest discussion first alone with Cassandra and go from there. And to support her later no matter what her choice is! Thanks!

  • yikes!! that is a really tough situation. i can’t imagine having to deal with that!

    • Clare says:

      Lorrin, this is a difficult situation. Hopefully mom and daughter can talk opening and honestly and I hope the mom can be supportive no matter what decision Cassandra makes. Thanks for stopping by today and sharing!

  • Emily says:

    Being a parent is a blessing and hard work. The first thing that comes to mind (and what I would do) is pray about it. I would pray for the Lord’s guidance in how to handle the situation.

    All the best,

    Emily

    • Clare says:

      I, too, believe that prayer is key, Emily. Pray – have an open and honest discussion with Cassandra… and then continuing to pray! Thanks for sharing this!

  • jennifer L says:

    Wow definitely a complex topic. I’m not a parent but I can only imagine the tough spot the mother is in on this whole situation with her daughter and her boyfriend.

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