Hi and welcome back to Coffee with Clare every Thursday!
I am a very concerned and worried mother. My daughter, Cassandra, who is 26 years old, just got engaged to a man, Joel, who is 47 years old. Joel has 2 teenage boys (ages 13 and 15) who he gets every other weekend. Joel seems like a nice enough guy, is gainfully employed, and owns his own home, but Joel has indicated he does not want any more children. I am quite concerned because when Cassandra was younger, she had always said she wanted children of her own and a family. I am worried not only because of the age difference, but because I am afraid Cassandra will wake up one day 10 years from now and decides she really does want children! I know I can’t interfere, and I am trying to be supportive, but this is my only daughter, and I am deeply concerned.
Signed – Wish I Felt Different in Daytona
I can understand your concerns. You did not mention how long she has been dating Joel and if they really know each other well. The good news is Joel sounds stable with a good job and knows what he wants. And, statistics show that usually older men in a relationship are oftentimes stable and mature, which should be of great benefit to their marriage. The question you may want to ask Cassandra (of course when you have time alone) is has she thought long and hard about the “never having children” situation. I mean you may want to sit down and discuss this with her without sounding like you are judging her and drilling her …. Just a heart to heart mother-daughter talk. (Sometimes young women have the thought that they can change a man … but it seldom works out that way.)
Either way, no matter what her answer, I would encourage Cassandra – for her and Joel – to have pre-marriage counseling with a pastor or a good professional to help them work through her taking on two teenage stepsons, their age difference, and the fact that they are not planning to have children. Hopefully this will help them through.
It sounds like you have Cassandra’s best interests at heart, and the most important thing is you want her to be happy now, and in 10 years. (And there is nothing that says she won’t be happy!) So, if Cassandra and Joel have tried to get their ducks in a row prior to getting married, it may be that you will have to embrace her decision and be supportive. Otherwise, it could put a hedge between your mother-daughter relationship, despite the fact you are only concerned about her best interests. I wish you the best, and I wish Cassandra much happiness now and in the future.
Readers – any suggestions for “Wish I felt different in Daytona”.
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Until next time~