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Hi Friends – Welcome back to Coffee with Clare!  I am delighted that you are here today!  

Hi Clare:

My husband has recently told me he wants to start a family and wants to move out of our tiny little condo back to my parents’ home.  We haven’t been married very long.  I love my husband dearly, but he has completely changed.  He talks about having “our children” all the time and cannot wait for them.  I am so stunned that I honestly do not know what to say.  I’m at a position where we could have a family, and I could still go to school.  He loves being married, but he is ready to start a family more than I am.  I am nervous about taking on all of this and want some advice.  I am still very young, but I am ready for our family, I just do not know if I am ready for a sudden change.

Signed –

Not-in-a-hurry… Hazel  

 

beauty6

 

Dear Hazel:

Well, trust me, you are not alone; I have heard this often.  It’s not uncommon for a couple to be ready at different times to start a family.

I remember when my husband and I were newly married (and we weren’t even thinking of starting our own family yet), one of my brothers who had four kids at that time asked us to babysit for a weekend.   We fed them whatever they requested, whenever they requested – we thought that’s what we were supposed to do!  (I think one of my nieces ate about 6 – 7 hotdogs that night, no joke)!  When Sunday afternoon rolled around and we went home, my husband and I felt like a truck ran us over!  Of course, this was an exaggerated example of what it’s like to raise a family – and we have raised two wonderful daughters since, but …. I think you get the point.  It’s quite an adjustment for all. 

 

Portrait of scared baby against crazy mother with pan on head

 

But back to you – Since you said you really haven’t been married that long, what’s his hurry? Have you spoken with your husband directly about how you really feel?  I would suggest setting a goal to discuss it more thoroughly in 3 – 6 months’ time when you have “digested” all this and can think more clearly, stressing to him that you do understand his desire for right now, but you need more time.  

And why is it necessary to move back into your parents’ home?  Money?  If so, how long would you have to “live” with your parents?  That, in itself, can be quite challenging and, stressful, plus you will be giving up a lot of privacy.  I mean, maybe for a short period of time this could be doable, but I would discuss a timetable for how long you plan on living with them. A year? More than that? You will need to also sit down with your parents so that all of you can discuss living arrangements and lifestyles prior to seriously considering this move.

In addition, I would find another individual who you can go to – possibly an older objective woman/ a mother figure in your life – or possibly a therapist who can be non-judgmental. Hopefully, this person could be a sounding board for you and can help you get through this.  There’s no doubt that having kids is the most enormous commitment anyone makes in life.  And, there never seems to really be a “good time” to start a family, but it really sounds like you may need more time.

The main thing is to keep the communication channels open between you and your husband.  Children are a blessing, especially when you both agree on the timing of when to start your family! 

 

Marteen3

 

Thank you for stopping in today!  I invite you to email your questions, problems and “life challenges” directly to me at:  lifeainteasystreet@gmail.com   I would love to hear from you and look forward to seeing you on Thursdays for “Coffee With Clare”.  

Until next time –

Clare

Author
Clare is a 57-year-old fun loving Italian-American self-proclaimed “Jersey Girl” who believes, “Life ain’t easy street. Life is one of those crazy little city streets, complete with potholes that could swallow your car.” With one foot planted in fun and the other planted firmly in her Christian faith, Clare enjoys making people laugh while helping them navigate life’s “crazy little city streets”. Clare has raised two girls (now grown young adults) with her husband, Michial, Clare is ready to take on the challenges of making new friends through her blog, Life Ain’t Easy Street. With an aim to entertain while addressing topics important to women, Clare’s focus on the positive power of good stories, good friends, inspiring women, and strong faith will have you looking forward to reading the next post. Clare is a freelance writer who lives a real life in Jacksonville Beach, Florida.

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19 Comments

  • Samara says:

    There is some great advice here Clare! I love that you do this 🙂

  • My husband and I conceived our first child while we were living with his parents! I talk like it was so long ago, but I am actually due in November! We’ve been married for 6 years and moved in with his parents two years ago. It’s not an uncommon thing to live with parents, for whatever reason, as long as you maintain the clear division of authority and also plan on moving out in the near future. It’s really hard to maintain separation from parents, because you regress to being like a child again when around them. However, for financial or health reasons, we moved in with his parents as an emergency. We are hoping to relocate very, very soon with our newborn on the way!

    À LA MODEST – Replacing insecurities with inspiration!

    • Clare says:

      Thank you so so much for sharing that, Rachel – and lots of couples do this! I appreciate your point of view! This is hopefully taking “some of the burden” off of you, i.e. financially, etc.! I am glad that it is working out!!! And congratulations on your having a baby soon (I will become a first time grandmother this December – can’t wait)!!!!! 🙂

  • Communication! I’m glad you mentioned that. Communication is key plus love and respect. Work together on this issue. The bible calls children a blessing but of course we all want to feel ready and prepare. Best wishes to the husband and wife!

    • Clare says:

      Communication – although can be quite difficult – I believe is key. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and joining in! Much appreciated! 🙂

  • Skye says:

    I like the idea of setting a goal to have the discussion in X months. That way, she gets time to mull it over. Figuring out how you feel about something this big on the spot isn’t always easy!

    • Clare says:

      Yes – I think it can be important to have a goal to set for the future. It sounded to me that Hazel was just not ready. And it’s a big decision! Thanks!

  • Jessi Haynes says:

    My husband and I are in a similar situation – I’m thinking I’ll be ready to start trying to start a family next year, but he doesn’t feel ready at all! I’ve been working really hard to just relax and just enjoy our last childless times together, because it’s super important to me that we both be on the same page and I don’t pressure him into anything! I think it’s a total normal stage for every couple!

    • Clare says:

      Thanks for sharing, Jessi, and you can certainly relate! It is important to get and be on the same page – and often it is quite difficult! Blessings to you and your husband! 🙂

  • Tammy says:

    Really great advice for those wanting to have children

  • Tianna says:

    this is awesome and great that you’re giving people advice – such a nice thing to do!

    stop by and chat 🙂 http://storybookapothecary.com

  • Sarah Koontz says:

    What a great series, and an interesting topic. My husband didn’t want kiddos as quickly as me, but God had the perfect plan and the perfect timing for us.

  • jennyb says:

    Good advice, Clare. No way I’d want to move in with the parents so soon after getting married (or ever!).

    • Clare says:

      Well – Jenny, every situation is different so it’s hard to know really…. because families are all different. Thanks for stopping by – see you next Thursday, if not sooner! 🙂

  • katie says:

    You give such great advice!
    ​​
    ​xx katie // A Touch of Teal

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