Hi Friends – Welcome back to Coffee with Clare! I am delighted that you are here today!
My husband has recently told me he wants to start a family and wants to move out of our tiny little condo back to my parents’ home. We haven’t been married very long. I love my husband dearly, but he has completely changed. He talks about having “our children” all the time and cannot wait for them. I am so stunned that I honestly do not know what to say. I’m at a position where we could have a family, and I could still go to school. He loves being married, but he is ready to start a family more than I am. I am nervous about taking on all of this and want some advice. I am still very young, but I am ready for our family, I just do not know if I am ready for a sudden change.
Well, trust me, you are not alone; I have heard this often. It’s not uncommon for a couple to be ready at different times to start a family.
I remember when my husband and I were newly married (and we weren’t even thinking of starting our own family yet), one of my brothers who had four kids at that time asked us to babysit for a weekend. We fed them whatever they requested, whenever they requested – we thought that’s what we were supposed to do! (I think one of my nieces ate about 6 – 7 hotdogs that night, no joke)! When Sunday afternoon rolled around and we went home, my husband and I felt like a truck ran us over! Of course, this was an exaggerated example of what it’s like to raise a family – and we have raised two wonderful daughters since, but …. I think you get the point. It’s quite an adjustment for all.
But back to you – Since you said you really haven’t been married that long, what’s his hurry? Have you spoken with your husband directly about how you really feel? I would suggest setting a goal to discuss it more thoroughly in 3 – 6 months’ time when you have “digested” all this and can think more clearly, stressing to him that you do understand his desire for right now, but you need more time.
And why is it necessary to move back into your parents’ home? Money? If so, how long would you have to “live” with your parents? That, in itself, can be quite challenging and, stressful, plus you will be giving up a lot of privacy. I mean, maybe for a short period of time this could be doable, but I would discuss a timetable for how long you plan on living with them. A year? More than that? You will need to also sit down with your parents so that all of you can discuss living arrangements and lifestyles prior to seriously considering this move.
In addition, I would find another individual who you can go to – possibly an older objective woman/ a mother figure in your life – or possibly a therapist who can be non-judgmental. Hopefully, this person could be a sounding board for you and can help you get through this. There’s no doubt that having kids is the most enormous commitment anyone makes in life. And, there never seems to really be a “good time” to start a family, but it really sounds like you may need more time.
The main thing is to keep the communication channels open between you and your husband. Children are a blessing, especially when you both agree on the timing of when to start your family!
Thank you for stopping in today! I invite you to email your questions, problems and “life challenges” directly to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org I would love to hear from you and look forward to seeing you on Thursdays for “Coffee With Clare”.
Until next time –